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Battleship (2012)
D: Peter Berg S: Alexander Skarsgard, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson, Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna
Taylor Kitsch (that’s right, the same guy who butchered Gambit in X-MEN Origins: Wolverine) stars as American everyman Alex Hopper, the worlds last hope in the face of an alien invasion - oh yes, the horror has begun. The writers obviously intended Hopper t’wear the skin of the lovable rogue, but a combination of Kitsch’s poor performance and dialogue that is downright awful leaves us with a muscled baby complete with mush brains and a stupid mouth. In fact, every gorramn character in this abomination has about as much emotional depth as battleships the boardgame - Rihanna, for example, plays her best tough girl tomboy, but in a way that grates on the stereotype so hard even Michelle Rodriguez would cringe. There are no excuses. Battleshit takes a dump on the big screen and expects you to lap it up.
NO STARS
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Akira & Chronicle
Even though Akira (1988) is a far superior film, It’s hard not to draw parallels between the two. Troubled youth, social pressures and psychokinetic abilities are all prominent features, although Chronicle (2012) strips itself of Akira’s post war undertones in favour of a simplified philosophical standpoint - namely the individual responsibility of the apex predator. As a result, Chronicle excels in its own way. Its focus on the individual leads to a more accessible film, whilst merging psychokinesis + the handheld style removes the POV restraints that limited such films as Cloverfield (2008) and The Blair Witch Project (1999). To call this film a “modern day Akira” might be a stretch, but you wouldn’t necessarily be wrong either.
8/10 Floating Teddy Bears.
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Cowboys & Aliens (2011)
D: Jon Favreau S: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Wild Bill Hickok.
Despite some poor post-production decisions, Cowboys and Aliens is actually pretty gorramn cool. Playing more towards the Western fan - the film utilizes its gritty heroes, baron environments and exciting action scenes to create an enjoyable 2 hours of entertainment. A rare piece of mindless action that you can actually enjoy.
7/10 rounds
Your Highness (2011)
D: David Gordon Green S: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman
Tactless and Tasteless - the film delivers a few good moments but these are buried deep amongst a flurry of swears and cheap sex jokes. The trailer suggested a fun concept with potential - what we got was a money whore. McBride even wears a decapitated dick around his neck… I mean, Fuck.
1.5/10 anal beads
